Daily Dose - my words, thoughts, and my voice

I Love love love NKOTB* This is my absolute favorite Jackson 5 song. Putting them together was awesome. Just awesome.

*At least, I did when I was 9. It was unhealthy, I'm sure.

It's driving me crazy not to be in school this summer. After 4 semesters in a row - I am so bored not to be sitting in a classroom, taking notes, and/or rushing to get a paper done. Add to that that I actually haven't had a science course in...oh 6 months...it's killing me.

But, I got accepted to a bigger school that will accept all of my credits that I am starting in the fall. August 24th to be exact.

What the hell did I do before I went back to school???

My dog died. Her name was Sammy. She was a year old. Black Lab/German Shepard mix. She tested neg. for parvo, but the symptoms she had were similar so the vet treated her like she had it..poor baby didn't even make it through the night. I bawled. It's almost harder for me when a pet dies than when a human dies. Don't ask me why. Maybe because pets are innocent being, while we all now humans are far from it.

It's funny that I mentioned my dog dying before I mentioned my grandfather died last month. I knew he was sick..lung cancer...but I thought that I'd be ok with him dying and not going to the funeral. *He lived in SC..I live in MN. But about an hour after I got the call...I lost it. I called my grandmother to check on her..and she told me something about the man that I wasn't aware he was capable of...

When I was 10, I went to their house for a month during the summer. On one of the several occasions we went fishing, I put a headband on the rear view mirror of his truck. And wound up leaving it there. Sixteen years later, I finally took it down. It was no longer white and the elasticity was shot because he hung his cb walkie from it. No one was allowed to take it down. My younger cousins weren't allowed to use it. It just hung there...in his truck..everyday for sixteen years, until I took it down and brought it home with me.

So was my grandfather a sentimental man? Did he love me? Was I still "Shellybelly" to him...even after I grew up? I don't know. I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that as his first granddaughter, I help a special place in his heart...a little corner that was just for me. But that's the little girl in me talking. As I grew up...I learned things about my grandfather that, for awhile, made me hate him. It's hard to love a man that you hate. It's hard to hate a man that you love.  I can't help but feel contradictions for him. I miss him..I miss the man I thought he was...back when he was simply Papa. Back before I knew. Is there really such a thing as unconditional love, when the recipient of that love is, in your opinion, undeserving?

So I flew home to mourn my grandfather. And I realized that it didn't matter what he did to others...he was good to me. He taught me to fish (and I'm the best fisherwoman in the family) he taught me to care for animals, he taught me how to shoot a gun (what do you expect? It's South Carolina!) And I can never watch Columbo or NASCAR racing or WWF or the Atlanta Braves without thinking of him. He loved me. I can think back and remember that he did. I can remember the good times and I don't have to dwell on things that happened that didn't involve me. And that's enough for now. It's really all I have.   

I.

AM.

NOT.

A.

MAID.

Yet, my boyfriend, his kids and my kids seem to believe I am. Time after time I am the one cleaning up the messes, cooking breakfasts/lunches/dinners, doing the laundry, doing the "handywork" around this house. I don't ever get a break, a night off, and weekends for me are hell...everyone is home all day/night long..which creates even more mess. (that I wind up cleaning up). I clean up the yard, I pull weeds, I weedeat and I mow.

None of these chores are out of the realm of my capability...however, as I am not the only person living in this house capable of doing it - I take offense because I AM the only one doing it.

I need some help...and my family needs some help because they are all about to perish from the redhot laser coming out of my eyeballs....

OK, so I was sucked into the Twilight saga...hardcore. I finished the third one over a month ago...and have spent the rest of the time desperately seeking the fourth...well..I found it two days ago in a small bookstore in a small town. I was slightly embarrassed by my relief when the worker(who was also the owner) told me that she did in fact have a copy. I tried to explain that I had been looking for weeks for this book...and that I was a little perturbed by my desperation...I'm a grown up...after all...right?

She laughed and said the author had done an amazing thing...I thought to myself, why yes, she has...she wrote books that are fantasically easy reads, as well as interesting...She went on to say that the author had taken classical literature and turned it into kids with cell phones and a thirst for blood...HUH? I musta missed that part.

I like to read. I've read a great many books in my lifetime. I've read classical literature..I've read RL Stine, I've read The Babysitter's Club, I've read Nora Roberts, Danielle Steel, Stephen King, Dean Kootz.

I've read Stephaine Meyer. I didn't see any classical literature in her books. But then, I'm a science major and would have seen the connection to that sort of stuff.

So lit majors....here is what she said about the books..can you tell me if this is accurate or if she was pulling my leg and trying to make me feel better for getting sucked into a tween phenomenon.

New Moon: Romeo and Juliet

Eclipse: Wuthering Heights

Breaking Dawn: Frankenstein.

Is this crazy or not?

Well, hello there. It was brought to my attention that I never blog anymore...and they were right, I haven't blogged in what feels like forever.

So, to those of you who have been waiting on baited breath for my next blog, I'm sorry..you can take a deep breath and relax again.

Let's see..where to start? Well, I'm still dating Jimmy and while we have our ups and downs like every other couple...it's the healthest relationship I've ever been in. He's nice to me, he's good to me and my kids, and he puts up with the majority of my mood swings, if not all of them.  The only thing we ever disagree about are the kids...mine are 7 and 3, his are 15 and 13...so there are different expectations and sometimes cause some major discussions, but we have vowed that no matter what...we, as a couple, are going to survive our children.

We finally moved into a place that is big enough for all 6 of us, and is a real home. It's a four bedroom, 2 and 1/2 bath, full basement, and we of course, had to get a dog. The master bedroom has it's own bathroom...and I've got to tell you - I NEVER want to go back to sharing a bathroom with two teenage girls again. The boys share a room, and the girls each have their own room. Now, if I can only get the 15 year old to bring back my cd's when she's done listening to them, we'll be good.

My ex was being pretty good about child support...that is, until he quit or got fired from his last job. Now, he's behind again...not that he was caught up to begin with, he's close to being 20 grand in the hole...but I feel that child support should be something that I can count on to help with his children. That's just me, though.

And I feel like I owe everyone in my hood an apology...my last few blogs were...well...hellish to say the least. So to those of you who worried...or said a prayer..or had me in your thoughts, thank you...and it worked...I no longer feel like I'm drowning. I feel pretty close to being me again.

While there are still a hundred and one things I need to update and blog about...I've run out of time and need to get back to my house-cleaning, organizing and general life. More to come...stay tuned.

As of..10:19am on 1/30/2009, my father has no active disease in his body. That means the chemo worked. That means our prayers worked. That means that this family can overcome. That means I finally can have my dad back.

Fuck you cancer. IN YOUR FACE.

Cancer: 0 My Family:1,000,000.

Earlier tonight...or last night, seeing as how it's almost two o'clock on Monday morning...the bf, charlie and i were driving home from getting a few groceries..after he spent all day working and I spent all day doing 19 loads of laundry. (yes, 19 loads of laundry...four children and two adults...*did I mention that two of those children are teenage girls?) Anyway, we were driving home and it was dark outside and I was leaning up against the passager door thinking about nothing until my friend popped into my head. And I thought about how maybe..if things work out and I am able to go down to SC to visit my grandfather who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and six to eight months to live, maybe, just maybe I'd be able to sneak away from everyone for awhile to see her. I was thinking about how great that first, "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm seeing you" hug would be. And how I would finally FINALLY be able to just let it out. I wouldn't have to say a goddamn word, because she would know. And then she'd crack a joke, make me laugh, and I'd feel centered again. I started to cry, thinking about this, and the bf asked me what was wrong..he didn't know I was crying..couldn't see the tears, so I of course, say nothing, just tired. Same old tried and true line that works.

When we pulled into the driveway and started getting groceries out and charlie out, my phone rang. But it was in my pocketbook and I had grocery bags in my hands and a three year old in my arms and I couldn't answer. I came inside, put my groceries away, and settled charlie down, I remembered that my phone rang.

And it was you. I'm sorry I missed you. And I got that centered feeling anyway, I love you,

"The Church ruling is very clear.  And rules often ignore the human and the individual factor.  I think God ignores nothing.  I think His compassion for His children is infinite.  I can't believe, in my heart, God closes his door to those in pain, to those in deperation..."

-Father Lopez, Salavation in Death, J.D. Robb

I don't even know how to express everything that I am feeling right now.

Change

I have voted in every election since I turned 18. the first being in 2000. and I voted for Gore. In 2004 I voted for Kerry. And for the first time, when I voted in 2008..I voted with as much enthusiasm and knowledge and hope and desperation than ever before. This country, our country, MY country. For the first time, I fully understood the importance of my vote..and I felt like it mattered. And yes, it did.

President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama will change our country. For the better, I have no doubt.

And to all those nay-sayers out there, don't worry, he's going to be your President too, and let it be clear...he has this country's best interests at heart.

First Family

Wow. It's been awhile, Vox. I had some time, so I thought I would let you have a peek into my world, although you may not be as entertained as you've been before.

The school life:

1. I'm behind in all my classes. Yep. Of course, I've been behind since week #3, so this is nothing new. I wound up dropping Chemistry..I just couldn't stay on top of it.

2. I wrote a paper a half hour before it was due, and wound up getting an A on it. To which a classmate said was due solely on the fact that I have boobs and a vagina. I, naturally, took offense to this and proceeded to tell him that if he thought with his big head instead of the small one, he too may get an A.

3. I've missed almost all of my classes this week. More info on this in the home section.

The work life:

1. I am still working at the bar. Although I haven't been able to work but one shift this week. (again more about this in the home section)

2. I had to get a third job. You are now reading the blog of a part-time bookstore work study, part-time lab assistant work study, part-time (more like full-time) bartender, and a part-time over-night Wal-Mart stocker(which pays surprisingly well). BEING BROKE SUCKS!!!

3. I work. All. The. Effing. Time.

The home life:

1. I've missed work and classes all week because Chase, Charlie and I have been passing around a funky stomach virus. (this was the part that you were waiting for the info on)

2. My bedroom, bathroom, and the boys' room are all completely clean. The dining room, kitchen, and living room are works in progress. My laundry has conquered my living room floor. Who needs carpet? Just throw your dirty clothes on the floor and you've got a cushiony soft carpet!

3. There is something living underneath my deck. I think it may be a cat, but it keeps me up at night and scares the hell outta me when I'm walking to my truck in the mornings.

The sex life:

1. Fantastic.

2. Fantastic.

3. Yep. You guessed it, Fantastic.

The relationship life:

1. It's been great. Really really great. Even when I take the fantastic sex out of the equation, it's still great. Holy crap - is it even legal to be this happy in a relationship?

2. He told me he's in love with me. I'm pretty sure I'm right there with him.

3. Moving in together - what? Maybe? I don't know. Sure seems like a great idea. Then the rational part of my brain kicks into high gear and says, " Girl you crazy. Damn."

The financial life:

1. I'm broke.

2. I'm broke.

3. Behind on my truck payment. FUDGE. I work all the damn time, how the hell could I be broke?! If you come across some extra cash - please feel free to donate to the "MeeShell's broke ass fund".

The parent's life:

1. My dad just got out of the hospital after almost two weeks in. He had a white blood cell count of zero and an infection. Bad combination. But he's home now. Thank God.

2. My brother went through almost 4 grand in a month. Stupid ass.

3. My other brother MAY be coming to visit. That would be awesomely fabulous. Haven't seen him in almost two years. I hate the military.

The boys' life:

1. Charlie won't stop growing up, despite my repeated attempts to keep him little.

2. Chase is Chase. He thinks he knows it all. Dammit. I remember when I knew it all.

3. I have great kids. Except when they are naughty. Then they are their father's children.

The ex-husband life:

1. $15,000 behind in child support.

2. Doesn't have a job yet. Seriously.

3. Claims he is depressed. Crybaby. Get over it and help me take care of your kids. If I can suck it up and get with the program, so can you.

The friend life:

1. The way I see it - if you're able to call one person your friend, and mean it, and know that they will still love you even when you are gellin' as a felon you're lucky.

2. Getting to call two people your friend makes you even luckier.

3. But having THREE stand by you - you have been blessed by the friend God.

The Christian life:

1. God and I are having a little tiff right now. I just think He should think things through a little before He wields that all mighty sword of His. He's so rash and unpredictable, it's really affecting my equilbrium.

2. Of course, I jest. God and I are just fine. Jesus is my Homeboy.

3. Well, maybe we did have a tiny tiff. But it was months ago, and we're cool now.

The Campaign life:

1. I had a friend over last week and one of the candidates for mayor knocked on my door, shook my hand and informed me that he was running for mayor. Which in turn sparked a conversation with my friend after he left about the different groups of people that run around knocking on people's doors wanting to have a "come to Jesus" talk with you. We decided that it would be absolutely fantastic if the next time some religious nut knocked on our door to tell them, "Dude, I just got off the phone with God, and He is soooo pissed at you", while acting high.

2. I feel assured that this country will make the right decision on November 4th. After all, we can't all be dumbasses after 8 years, right? We've all grown up and are black and blue after kicking our own ass - right?

3. If you need help deciding who to vote for: WTF have you been doing the last six months? Have you been paying attention? If not, SNL could help clear your mind. With help from Tina Fey who is my wannabe-lesbian lover. (if I swung that way - which I do not - not that there's anything wrong with that)

So. In conclusion - it's been a royal fustercluck in my neck of the woods. Of course - this is just a nutshell...but I have a test overdue.

G'nite.