Posts (page 2)
My Dear Dear Children,
You know, before I had kids..I could stay up all night and sleep all day. I could work whatever hours I wanted or needed to, not having to worry about finding(and paying for) daycare. I was able to talk on the phone without having to stop and scream...I AM ON THE PHONE!!!. I could afford to blow my money on whatever I wanted....even if it was wasteful. I could party all night...and still have energy to go to work the next day with no or little sleep.
Before I had kids...I had great hair...no grays...no bad hair day...I had the time to fix my hair.
Before I had kids...I didn't have stretch marks...on any part of my body.
Before I had kids...I enjoyed driving a car with the windows down...singing at the top of my lungs.
Before I had kids...I could eat whatever I wanted and NOT FEEL GUILTY!! Because my metabolism was rockin.
Before I had kids...I was a sane, somewhat quirky, fun person. Before I had kids..I was NORMAL!
Before I had kids...I was able to admire a baby..a toddler..a child..and then turn them back over to their parents when they cried or did something disgusting in their pants.
Before I had kids...I didn't truely understand the meaning of frazzled.
And now...I still have to stay up all night...but it's not as fun as it used to be. I can't work before or after daycare hours. I never have phone conversations without screaming...I have no money...and no energy.
Now that I have kids...I have bad hair days all the time...I have no time to fix it.
Now that I have kids...I have stretch marks...on the back of my effing knees.
Now that I have kids...I can't roll the windows down all the way..for fear of one of you throwing a shoe..or a toy..or god forbid..each other out of it.
Now that I have kids...I'm not sane. Not normal. And never will be able.
Now that I have kids...I look at pregnant women in fear...stay away..that shit is contagious.
Now that I have kids...I am the definition of frazzled.
Now that I have kids...I finally understand the concept of unconditional love.
Now that I have kids...I am someone's everything....as they are mine.
Now that I have kids...I've never been so miserably happy in my life.
Now that I have kids...I get to play like I did when I was little.
Now that I have kids...I'm reminded of the beauty found in a dandelion...I'm reminded of wishing on shooting stars...I'm awed by the beauty of a smile that's a little crooked like mine.
Now that I have kids...I am who I'm supposed to be.
They know me in
a way that
no one ever had.
They open me to things
I never knew existed.
The drive me to
insanity and push
me to my depths.
They are the beat of
my heart, the pulse of
my veins, and the
energy in my soul...
They are my kids.
As my oldest prepares for 2nd grade and my youngest is 13 days away from turning four...I realize that what I've had to give up in order to be a parent pales in comparison to the things I've gained. And even on my worst hair day...CharlieBear still thinks I'm beautiful. And even on my crabbiest days...Chasenator always has a story that is so ridiculous it never fails to put a smile on my face. I am the lucky one. Just don't tell them that...
I Love love love NKOTB* This is my absolute favorite Jackson 5 song. Putting them together was awesome. Just awesome.
*At least, I did when I was 9. It was unhealthy, I'm sure.
It's driving me crazy not to be in school this summer. After 4 semesters in a row - I am so bored not to be sitting in a classroom, taking notes, and/or rushing to get a paper done. Add to that that I actually haven't had a science course in...oh 6 months...it's killing me.
But, I got accepted to a bigger school that will accept all of my credits that I am starting in the fall. August 24th to be exact.
What the hell did I do before I went back to school???
My dog died. Her name was Sammy. She was a year old. Black Lab/German Shepard mix. She tested neg. for parvo, but the symptoms she had were similar so the vet treated her like she had it..poor baby didn't even make it through the night. I bawled. It's almost harder for me when a pet dies than when a human dies. Don't ask me why. Maybe because pets are innocent being, while we all now humans are far from it.
It's funny that I mentioned my dog dying before I mentioned my grandfather died last month. I knew he was sick..lung cancer...but I thought that I'd be ok with him dying and not going to the funeral. *He lived in SC..I live in MN. But about an hour after I got the call...I lost it. I called my grandmother to check on her..and she told me something about the man that I wasn't aware he was capable of...
When I was 10, I went to their house for a month during the summer. On one of the several occasions we went fishing, I put a headband on the rear view mirror of his truck. And wound up leaving it there. Sixteen years later, I finally took it down. It was no longer white and the elasticity was shot because he hung his cb walkie from it. No one was allowed to take it down. My younger cousins weren't allowed to use it. It just hung there...in his truck..everyday for sixteen years, until I took it down and brought it home with me.
So was my grandfather a sentimental man? Did he love me? Was I still "Shellybelly" to him...even after I grew up? I don't know. I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that as his first granddaughter, I help a special place in his heart...a little corner that was just for me. But that's the little girl in me talking. As I grew up...I learned things about my grandfather that, for awhile, made me hate him. It's hard to love a man that you hate. It's hard to hate a man that you love. I can't help but feel contradictions for him. I miss him..I miss the man I thought he was...back when he was simply Papa. Back before I knew. Is there really such a thing as unconditional love, when the recipient of that love is, in your opinion, undeserving?
So I flew home to mourn my grandfather. And I realized that it didn't matter what he did to others...he was good to me. He taught me to fish (and I'm the best fisherwoman in the family) he taught me to care for animals, he taught me how to shoot a gun (what do you expect? It's South Carolina!) And I can never watch Columbo or NASCAR racing or WWF or the Atlanta Braves without thinking of him. He loved me. I can think back and remember that he did. I can remember the good times and I don't have to dwell on things that happened that didn't involve me. And that's enough for now. It's really all I have.
I.
AM.
NOT.
A.
MAID.
Yet, my boyfriend, his kids and my kids seem to believe I am. Time after time I am the one cleaning up the messes, cooking breakfasts/lunches/dinners, doing the laundry, doing the "handywork" around this house. I don't ever get a break, a night off, and weekends for me are hell...everyone is home all day/night long..which creates even more mess. (that I wind up cleaning up). I clean up the yard, I pull weeds, I weedeat and I mow.
None of these chores are out of the realm of my capability...however, as I am not the only person living in this house capable of doing it - I take offense because I AM the only one doing it.
I need some help...and my family needs some help because they are all about to perish from the redhot laser coming out of my eyeballs....
OK, so I was sucked into the Twilight saga...hardcore. I finished the third one over a month ago...and have spent the rest of the time desperately seeking the fourth...well..I found it two days ago in a small bookstore in a small town. I was slightly embarrassed by my relief when the worker(who was also the owner) told me that she did in fact have a copy. I tried to explain that I had been looking for weeks for this book...and that I was a little perturbed by my desperation...I'm a grown up...after all...right?
She laughed and said the author had done an amazing thing...I thought to myself, why yes, she has...she wrote books that are fantasically easy reads, as well as interesting...She went on to say that the author had taken classical literature and turned it into kids with cell phones and a thirst for blood...HUH? I musta missed that part.
I like to read. I've read a great many books in my lifetime. I've read classical literature..I've read RL Stine, I've read The Babysitter's Club, I've read Nora Roberts, Danielle Steel, Stephen King, Dean Kootz.
I've read Stephaine Meyer. I didn't see any classical literature in her books. But then, I'm a science major and would have seen the connection to that sort of stuff.
So lit majors....here is what she said about the books..can you tell me if this is accurate or if she was pulling my leg and trying to make me feel better for getting sucked into a tween phenomenon.
New Moon: Romeo and Juliet
Eclipse: Wuthering Heights
Breaking Dawn: Frankenstein.
Is this crazy or not?
Well, hello there. It was brought to my attention that I never blog anymore...and they were right, I haven't blogged in what feels like forever.
So, to those of you who have been waiting on baited breath for my next blog, I'm sorry..you can take a deep breath and relax again.
Let's see..where to start? Well, I'm still dating Jimmy and while we have our ups and downs like every other couple...it's the healthest relationship I've ever been in. He's nice to me, he's good to me and my kids, and he puts up with the majority of my mood swings, if not all of them. The only thing we ever disagree about are the kids...mine are 7 and 3, his are 15 and 13...so there are different expectations and sometimes cause some major discussions, but we have vowed that no matter what...we, as a couple, are going to survive our children.
We finally moved into a place that is big enough for all 6 of us, and is a real home. It's a four bedroom, 2 and 1/2 bath, full basement, and we of course, had to get a dog. The master bedroom has it's own bathroom...and I've got to tell you - I NEVER want to go back to sharing a bathroom with two teenage girls again. The boys share a room, and the girls each have their own room. Now, if I can only get the 15 year old to bring back my cd's when she's done listening to them, we'll be good.
My ex was being pretty good about child support...that is, until he quit or got fired from his last job. Now, he's behind again...not that he was caught up to begin with, he's close to being 20 grand in the hole...but I feel that child support should be something that I can count on to help with his children. That's just me, though.
And I feel like I owe everyone in my hood an apology...my last few blogs were...well...hellish to say the least. So to those of you who worried...or said a prayer..or had me in your thoughts, thank you...and it worked...I no longer feel like I'm drowning. I feel pretty close to being me again.
While there are still a hundred and one things I need to update and blog about...I've run out of time and need to get back to my house-cleaning, organizing and general life. More to come...stay tuned.
As of..10:19am on 1/30/2009, my father has no active disease in his body. That means the chemo worked. That means our prayers worked. That means that this family can overcome. That means I finally can have my dad back.
Fuck you cancer. IN YOUR FACE.
Cancer: 0 My Family:1,000,000.
Earlier tonight...or last night, seeing as how it's almost two o'clock on Monday morning...the bf, charlie and i were driving home from getting a few groceries..after he spent all day working and I spent all day doing 19 loads of laundry. (yes, 19 loads of laundry...four children and two adults...*did I mention that two of those children are teenage girls?) Anyway, we were driving home and it was dark outside and I was leaning up against the passager door thinking about nothing until my friend popped into my head. And I thought about how maybe..if things work out and I am able to go down to SC to visit my grandfather who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and six to eight months to live, maybe, just maybe I'd be able to sneak away from everyone for awhile to see her. I was thinking about how great that first, "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm seeing you" hug would be. And how I would finally FINALLY be able to just let it out. I wouldn't have to say a goddamn word, because she would know. And then she'd crack a joke, make me laugh, and I'd feel centered again. I started to cry, thinking about this, and the bf asked me what was wrong..he didn't know I was crying..couldn't see the tears, so I of course, say nothing, just tired. Same old tried and true line that works.
When we pulled into the driveway and started getting groceries out and charlie out, my phone rang. But it was in my pocketbook and I had grocery bags in my hands and a three year old in my arms and I couldn't answer. I came inside, put my groceries away, and settled charlie down, I remembered that my phone rang.
And it was you. I'm sorry I missed you. And I got that centered feeling anyway, I love you,
"The Church ruling is very clear. And rules often ignore the human and the individual factor. I think God ignores nothing. I think His compassion for His children is infinite. I can't believe, in my heart, God closes his door to those in pain, to those in deperation..."
-Father Lopez, Salavation in Death, J.D. Robb
I don't even know how to express everything that I am feeling right now.
I have voted in every election since I turned 18. the first being in 2000. and I voted for Gore. In 2004 I voted for Kerry. And for the first time, when I voted in 2008..I voted with as much enthusiasm and knowledge and hope and desperation than ever before. This country, our country, MY country. For the first time, I fully understood the importance of my vote..and I felt like it mattered. And yes, it did.
President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama will change our country. For the better, I have no doubt.
And to all those nay-sayers out there, don't worry, he's going to be your President too, and let it be clear...he has this country's best interests at heart.
